You ever wake up and all of a sudden you feel like your place in the world isn't where you thought it was? Maybe you even feel that you don't belong anywhere? I woke up like that today.
2009 and 2010 have been the worst years of my forty something years. I had hope that 2011 would be better, but I woke up this morning and realized it isn't.
2011 is sucking just like the last 2. I don't usually feel sorry for myself. I hate it as a matter of fact. Today, there just doesn't seem a way out of this funk.
Growing up, I never felt like I was in the right body. I always felt older than I was. Until I turned 35. 35 was the age I always felt growing up. It was a bitch at 13, I can tell you. Maybe that's just what being a 13 year old girl is like, I don't know. I thought when 35 felt right, that life would just go swimmingly. Ha! I never thought I would ever use that word "swimmingly"....anyhoo, it went all right for a while and then the calendar turned over to 2009.
I have never been a person who suffers from depression. Low self confidence, low self esteem, yes, but not depression. Today, all I have been able to think is maybe I do now. I have no idea. All I know is that today, I really don't give a damn. I feel like every one out there, friends included, don't really give a damn and why would they? I don't have an answer to that today. I really don't like this feeling at all.
How much fun am I today? None. I can usually talk myself out of the negative thoughts and the negative soundtrack that usually runs through my head. I can't today. I think the last 2 years are finally catching up with me. It sort of feels like I have been wandering through a fog all that time. Over that time, I thought, I should feel worse about this, but I didn't. I floated through. I don't like thinking that, it seems hollow and empty and I don't think I am that. Maybe I've just been paying too much attention to the bullshit that passes for our current society. I don't know. And today, I don't really care.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and wonder what the fuck I was thinking today. I hope so, but I will be preparing for the day to be just like this one. woohoo.
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