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Sunday, January 16, 2011

...the spaces in between......

I am looking at my channel menu and I see The History Channel is playing Jonestown Paradise Lost.
The last sitting Congressperson to be assassinated was Leo Ryan.
I was just beginning to pay attention to the world around me at that time. I was raised by a mother for whom religion and Christianity were of paramount importance. As a kid, I went to church happily. One of the best memories is playing Bible Dash. We played a similar game in school, Dictionary Dash, and I kicked ass in both games. Sometime in my early teens I realized that I had questions about what I was learning. I asked some questions and was encouraged to stop asking questions. (1st clue). After that, I had to choose carefully what questions to ask and whom to ask. The one problem I identified in those years was that the bible was written by man.(2nd clue). And men. And then King James came along and put his medieval male spin on it. And apparently, it's because I question this, I have no faith. So, while I am being made to feel that I have come up short for not believing enough in something that has no evidence (good times), I see that a religious fanatic has conned thousands of people to move to to Guyana and kill themselves. 
I think this is when I realized that I needed more than my family members did and do. Can you imagine having so much faith in a god like that? I simply can't. I am not saying I don't believe there isn't something or someone out there in the ether or dimensions other than these...I think it's something. I do know I don't like the organized religious version of this idea. I really don't. All organized religion is, in my view, a con. For money, power and greed. I find that very hard to grasp when I know my family has been conned. And yet, they feel the need to pray for me. If they ever read this I know it will hurt them to read this and I know their beliefs give them such great comfort. They are comforted by christianity and the bible. I am creeped out by christianity and the bible.
I don't know what or who created us and the universe, we can only know when we die. I know this because I have been to heaven. As far as I know, I didn't die to get there. April 10th 2005 I had a dream. I was in a Thomas Kinkade painting.....this is it....

I woke up near that bridge and stepped up to the door. As I walked up the door opened....there was this wondrous light. It was very warm and it was sheer, unadulterated love. It was the most wonderful wave of light and love. Holding the door open was this being or spirit or angel, whatever you want to call it. It was feminine. To this day I feel the love emanating from her. I knew her. I cannot tell you who she is or was in my soul's time span, but I know I knew her soul. It was and continues to be perplexing, yet I know that soul. That was when I realized I do have faith. Just not the same one as my family.

She didn't say anything....she just held the door open and I felt myself drift into the cottage. The cottage consisted of a hallway where the light was a hallway of light and love. It was a pure white light. It felt like looking at a bright light of cream that didn't make me squint my eyes. And the was incredible. I turned to look at the soul and I knew that I had a choice. I could walk down the hallway and go or I could turn around and leave the cottage and wake up. I have to tell you I hesitated. I don't know for how long, but I remember sensing the hesitation. It really was more tempting than I can tell you. I took a long look at the light and a long look at the soul next to me and thought "I have to go back". And I woke up.

I can imagine you out there wondering what drugs I was doing or what I had for and I have never eaten anything that gave me hallucinations or 'dreams'. I can tell you I watched teevee, got in bed and simply went to sleep. I woke up knowing exactly what had happened and to this day I remember only 2 dreams ever. One is a nightmare that is the same but I can't tell you what happens in it. I just know I only have ever had one nightmare, repeated over my lifetime of sleeping. (haven't had it in a long time, I hope I didn't jinx myself) And one dream I remember. I just told you that dream.
Except it wasn't a dream. I know where I went and remember every detail of what happened. I can't tell you anymore than I have because there are no words...literally, there are no words to describe the light. There are no words to describe to you the immense feeling of love from the soul who opened the door. There are simply no words in our language to describe how it was.
So you see, I do have faith, just not in what the majority of the world has faith in.

I don't know the answer to why we are here. I think we have souls that learn lessons in our time here...and who knows, maybe other planets. That's just it...we don't know. I think our souls are grouped with a family, for lack of a better term, and we all help each other in our lives as we learn the lessons we need to. The goal is to better your soul. And if you do that by believing in an organized religion of some sort...great. I don't. I think my spirituality is between me and....for lack of a better term, my god. or goddess. whatever.

I am very glad to have been born in the United States of America where I am free to believe or disbelieve. As long as I don't hurt anyone or disrespect them, I can do that. There are people in the world that can't. There are people in the world with questions like mine who can't ask because it could mean their death.
And we're back to Jonestown. To put such blind faith in a human being is mind boggling to me. I guess you have to have some sort of blind faith in someone to be married to them.....and since I am not, I don't know. I guess I just have no faith in mankind. Faith in a higher power, for lack of a better term, that I have.


  1. Holy shit--so to speak. You had shown that picture to me once but didn't say a lot about it and I didn't pick up the significance of it to you. That is an amazing post. Thank you.

    And yes: "All organized religion is, in my view, a con." Amen. So to speak.

    WONDERFUL post, VL.

  2. All organized religion is a tool, a system of control. But personal faith can be different. Even faith among a small group of people. I think we all recognize the difference.

    Dreams, otoh, can be looked at simply as your mind telling YOU something. Often in the least direct way possible. But I try and always take what BIG, PROFOUND dreams are telling me, no matter what my first impression.

    What's this dream telling you?

  3. thanks DP :)

    @Redshirt - 2 things. not to sweat the small stuff, but I'm a cancer and a worrier so it's hard. one of this life's lessons...and that my personal faith is the correct path for me.

  4. Easier said than done! Let me introduce you to an old friend of mine: Habit. Habits are the only way we change - day in, day out. Bad habits are bad; good habits are the ones we force ourselves into, in order to accomplish a specific goal. Thus, the question I always pose to myself, and I now pose to you: How will you go about incorporating the lessons of this dream into your daily life?

  5. see Redshirt, this is when my slacker abilities come's been almost 6 years and I don't have an answer for you. I have tried to learn about other beliefs out there, I have tried to not judge people like I feel that I have been judged. I only know that as long as I have empathy and compassion for others, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I think. :)

  6. Lemmings join religions. It's the courageous person who seeks their own spiritual path. Hi, Vera! Nice blog. Long time no see. I'm still in China, and all is fine. I stopped posting on the Cesca blog because I got tired of being accused of being a Firebagger whenever I would criticize the Afghan war or the Treasury Department.

  7. Hi emsique! lovely to see you! some of the people at Cesca's have gotten a bit narrow, I don't post very often at all. I still read it daily, just don't have much to say.
    thanks for stopping by! (and thanks for the lovely compliment!)

  8. I agree with a great deal of what you said about organized religion. Being very analytical, I often questioned a lot. In college, I searched and began to go to a Catholic church. I loved the tradition and I had an unusual priest who was accepting of people who believed differently than him and thought that as long as people had faith, it was all good. I fell somewhat away from church until recently. I found a nondenominational church that I love, that doesn't judge non believers, doubters or seekers, who make me feel loved and accepted and don't have a set of rules I must follow in order to be loved by God. I believe in your dream and think that it's awesome. I once had the most amazing dream about my dad. He died when I was 2 so I don't have a lot of memories of him. I had the most amazing dream of spending the day with him. I must have been 9 or 10. The time I spent with him in my dream was at my grandma's house ( where he was born and grew up). I was so sad to wake up but so happy to have had that time even if it was only a dream